Parents: “Put your oxygen mask on first!”
I fully acknowledge how hard parenting is. It is extremely hard. In fact, I would argue that parenting challenges can lead to some of the most difficult years in a lifetime. While many studies have shown having children increases overall rates of happiness throughout the lifespan; it provides meaning, greater purpose in life, and deep connection, the daily rate of happiness is dampened by the mixed bag of joy, complete exhaustion, fear/worry, and frustration.
As parents we want to raise kind, happy, healthy children who obtain their dreams and live in a world with only sunshine. The idea of our child suffering emotionally or physically is unbearable. Despite all we do for/with our children in hopes of creating happiness there is so much in the world we cannot control. We also cannot protect them from their entire environment. Despite how badly I wish I could prevent my daughters from experiencing adversity, what has been proven to be true throughout my career is that we need to find ways to embrace the adversities and natural consequences that come their way. What I want to help teach is building resilient children who create their own happiness.
Over the last two decades I’ve spoken with countless parents about building resilience and empowering their children to walk more confidently through a challenging path. Parents are often stunned by the homework I offer the family; “parents, put your oxygen mask on first!”
What does this mean? On airplanes we are told in the event of an emergency to securely fasten our own oxygen mask before attempting to help others do the same. Some may fear that the time they spend on themselves is selfish, taking precious time away from someone else who may need it more. The reality is that if your oxygen runs out you not only cannot save those you intended, but you will also not survive the journey.
We can apply this survival advice to the journey of parenting. Before we try to combat all that is going on in our children’s lives and perhaps “fix” unwanted behaviors, emotional challenges, friend group drama, etc. we need to stop and assess ourselves. How are we doing? Whether you have a neurotypical or neurodiverse child…this applies to you. Assessing how you are doing is the first step to figure out what YOU need to build your own resilience, build your own skills, and begin parenting with more intention. Please don’t get me wrong… I am in NO way parent blaming and shaming for challenges your children experience. I do not believe you caused these challenges and I am not implying what you are doing is wrong. I am asking you to self-reflect and determine if you believe some changes could be made. I am asking you to agree that something needs to change. And what we know to be true, is we need to start with ourselves before we ask our child. We need to model change, resilience, and empowerment. Once we model and put on our oxygen mask we can give our children the life skills to either find a way to put theirs on themselves or we offer a bit of assistance until they can.
Each and every one of us has a different formula to their “oxygen mask”. This mask is also flexible and may evolve over time and through different phases of parenting. My personal oxygen mask looks a bit like this right now;
Physical exercise (4-5x/week)
Reading more books for pleasure (my friends and I created our book club)
Limiting alcohol consumption and increasing water intake
Spending time outdoors
Spending time alone/ “me time”
Eating a balanced diet throughout the day
Spending time with spouse, family, and friends
Reading a chapter of a parenting book each night
Helping other people
Go to bed before 10pm
Limit “binge TV” or technology
I have noticed when my oxygen mask is off I am not able to parent with intention. I am more easily frustrated, I am more vulnerable to feeling overwhelmed, my voice raises more frequently (and faster), I am not as compassionate to my children’s point of view, and I become more rigid. You may also notice that my “oxygen mask” does not list my children. This is purposeful. Your “oxygen mask” must be about you. When you do this you will see that your time spent with your children is more enjoyable, even when they are having a temper tantrum or you learn they didn’t complete a month's worth of math homework.
You will have the stamina, resiliency, patience required to be responsive to their needs, encourage them, and set boundaries to parent the child you have in front of you. How can you put on your own oxygen mask? Here are a few suggestions to get started.
Take a Self-Inventory. How are you doing? Are you sleeping well, eating well, tending to physical or psychological needs, engaging in routine/preventative medical/dental visits, enjoying your work (in our outside the home), connectedness to friends, family, and loved ones? When you see something is not balanced, spend some extra time making it a priority.
Read books for pleasure AND/OR begin reading vetted parenting books. I notice that this serves as a helpful reminder of tricks you know but forget to put into practice, or learn new skills for certain developmental stages and can give you a sense for when it would be appropriate to reach out for additional help through either your child’s pediatrician or a behavioral health professional.
Begin practicing a self care routine. Using the Self Care Wheel by Olga Phoenix Project is highly recommended.
Practice being present. Be intentional with modeling technology use with your children, try to eat dinner together at least 3-4x a week (ideally without technology). Create your own space to be present and mindful throughout your day.
Practice Self-Compassion. Be kind to yourself. Be your own cheerleader and remind yourself that there will be days with mistakes, and days with success. Each day is an opportunity to try and that is enough.
